Sunday, April 6, 2008

Coming Clean

Owning Up to Your BS

I credit myself on not being the average gal when it comes to a lot of my decisions in life (both the good and the bad) but after recently coming to terms with a lot of the “loose threads” in my life, I realized I really need to OWN my stuff.

Most of my life I have always lived the way that others wanted me too. When I was younger, I had to act a certain way (whether it was at school or church). I was treated a certain way or told that I was not like most black people (whatever that means) and I was ostracized from my black peers because I seemed to “uppity”. Most of my friends were white but even amongst all of them, I stuck out. Not only due to my race but due to my size as well. You remember hearing how all the beautiful people had that one “ugly” friend, well not only was I on the plumper side; I also came with a permanent tan as well, SCORE!

So to say, I had issues would not be an understatement. But life isn’t always easy and I have the survivor mentality engraved in my genes, so I overcame all of that. I made black friends, I lost a good bit of the weight and I thought I was fine. That I was handling things, that I knew who I was finally and that I was happy.

Unfortunately, I was wrong on all counts (luckily, this isn’t baseball). Losing my mother at 23 to cancer (she was 43), changed me incredibly. I worked more, buried myself in a relationship and tried to just survive the pain I was feeling and get up in the morning. It worked wonders for 3 years and now here I am before you at 25.

I own a condo, a car, I even work at a job that I like but it doesn’t feel like I’m living my life. It feels like I’m the supporting actor and on some days an extra in my own life’s story and you know, it’s tiring. Letting fear and complacency dictate my outcome isn’t a way for me to live. I never wanted to live that way but it’s seems during the past 3 years I built this concrete cocoon around myself and all I can do now is sit and stare.

And I let that be my excuse. That people needed me to be a certain way. I had to be strong for my brother and father, I had to hold down a job that I HATED because I graduated from college and that’s what people do. I love to a degree but never let myself be vulnerable or say that I need someone to be there because I could do it all alone. I helped others through their pain, their squashed hopes and dreams and pushed all mine to the side because I was the “stronger” of the two. Pushed the anger and resentment down so much that it had nowhere to go but still I pressed on.

This past Thursday, I was told I have severe high blood pressure. I was put on medication. I realized how I was living my life prior was destructive to myself; emotionally, physically and spiritually and even though I hesitate, my health IS telling me that I have to make changes.
I HAVE TO OWN MY BULLSH*T. Plain and simple. I can’t delay it, I have to do it now and I have to do it for me because I want to leave this life having lived every day of it to the best of my ability not regretting things that I could have done if only I had MORE time.

So it begins here with me.

1 comment:

Running Knitter said...

I liked this post. The desire to change always has to come from within. Good luck.