Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Opening Up

I am not a romantic, not in the typical sense. I have my moments when I want to light a fleet of candles, cook the good food, even put in the soft music but I can count on my hand the number of times that I’ve done that. (It was only once.) It was nice at the time and I wouldn’t mind doing more of it but I seem to do daily battle with myself. The women in my family are not known for their soft sides at all, so for me to discover that part of myself is unnerving. I feel that women of color often have to put up these “fronts”. In fact, we “front” all the damn time (I’m guilty of this, so I’m calling myself out too). I don’t know why we are this way, incapable of being soft outside of the bedroom. I shouldn’t feel bad about expressing my love in a non-sexual way but I’ve come to realize that is the only way I can express love, period. I don’t know how it feels to be wined and dined and I have NO idea on how to reciprocate that feeling. I want to have that; I’m tired of all the excuses. “I’m not used too it…wasn’t it good before, what happened?” I came from a home where my parents stayed together for years when they should have been divorced, there was no love shown all we witnessed was tension and anger. I know that if you aren’t strong enough to end the cycles that you are shown, you are doomed to repeat them and I don’t want that. I want to feel love and not run from it, I want a PARTNER that can give me the same.

So ladies, it’s not too late to start. I’m not saying, you have to become a Don Juanita (or something equally as disturbing) but you can spruce it up a little. At least, open your heart to the idea of it and instead over analyzing it in your head, just act on it. Catch him off guard as well as yourself.

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