In Search of My Missing 'Om'.

I really need to curb these feelings of being “lesser than”. In one of my last posts, I discussed how I always came second to everyone’s expectation of me and that I always have this mental tug of war. If I say I can’t do something or I am not as accessible as before, I feel that I’m shattering their opinion of me and that I can easily be replaced.

I realize this way of thinking is severely flawed, however.

Now, I sit and think. If my being involved in someone’s life is based on what I can do for them and nothing else, I’m really better off alone. I’m not your maid, servant, chauffeur, personal shrink so why do I feel beholding to the people close in my life. Why are my boundaries so skewed? That’s actually a whole other topic, which I’m sure I’ll cover later.

I wouldn’t consider myself “new age” at all, I don’t see anything wrong with it but until recently, I never really bought into the idea of it. Call it the ‘Christian conservative’ side of me but until college, I was around people who identified mostly as Christian and I didn't expand my horizons until then.

So a good friend of mine introduced me to mantras. Words or sentences that apply to you or the situation that brings you a sense of calmness and peace that aids in bringing you back to center. I was hesitant about posting mine but after reading I was hesitant about posting mine at first but I decided to take the plunge and after reading Semi-Charmed Wife's posting about transforming negative feelings, I decided to throw caution to the wind and just put it all out there.

Since I’m on this journey of finding myself and finding my true center, I came up with a few of them to help me through out some of my more anxious (read, CONTROLLING)times.

My Mantra’s:

1. I am only in control of me and my actions; I can’t handle anyone else’s. Those are their issues. I am not here to save anyone from things that life brings to them. I can't get people to do what I want them to do, just because I think a certain way may be better doesn't mean it's what they want to do. I can't force a change in anyone's life but my own. I need to be strong and secure in who I am before I even try to assist someone else along those lines.

2. I will say no assertively and won’t feel bad about taking time for myself. Growing up around aggressive, opinionated and very narrow minded women, I often felt out casted and never accepted. The only way it seemed that my family actually liked and wanted me around was when I was doing something for them. I easily became the ‘yes girl’ that everyone ran too and I would drop whatever I was doing to help. My sense of self became wrapped up in other people and their satisfaction and when I wasn’t getting it from them; I often became lost and self-destructive.

3. If it feels wrong to me, I won’t do it. This one goes hand in hand with my fear of saying no. I often would involve myself in situations where intuitively I knew the outcome wasn’t good but I didn’t want to rock the boat so I entered into an unhealthy situation to appease the other person.

4. Treat myself the way I expect others to treat me. I recently realized that because I received all my good feelings off of how I made others feel, I never noticed how bad I treated myself in comparision to the other person. The love I bestowed upon another person (who more often than not, didn’t return my feelings), was the exact same thing I should have been giving myself all along. Knowing your boundaries and what you will and will not allow is one of the healthiest things that you can do for yourself. No one has the right to mistake your kindness for weakness. Your feelings are a gift that someone should cherish – family or otherwise – and you should feel that they realize that.

5. Live in the Now & Enjoy it. Self Explanatory, I hope! You can’t change the past, you can’t dictate the future exactly, enjoy the present moment for what it is! This is the simplest to understand but the hardest to do, even for yours truly.

I took to reciting mantra’s rather easily often times I do it aloud (I’m by myself, usually). My next step is to carve out some morning time where I can start a practice of meditation on a particular mantra for that day.

Does anyone else out there in this blog bubble participate in the use of mantras? If so, what is it? Why do you do it and have you noticed a difference? Also, if you don't buy into the mantra hype, please let me know your thoughts as well!

Expiration Dates Is For Food Only!

Today, at one of the local radio stations, they were interviewing Buster Martin a 101-year-old employee of a plumbing mill in England.What is so special about Buster you may ask (well, the fact that he's 101 and still working is a HUGE feat to me but I digress), what is so special about him is that at the age of 101 he is going to attempt to run a full marathon.

Now, I at 25 wouldn't dare to attempt it due to frustration and fear of entering but not finishing but hearing Mr. Martin tell the story of his life, you can't help but caught up in his infectious energy. Life seems to be to an ongoing journey and you can't stop because you are too old, not as smart (so you think) or not as attractive. Life doesn't go on hold because as a society we have "shelf life" and feel that after a certain number of years we are no longer a commodity but a hindrance.

Discovering a story such of this reminds us that life is truly what you make of it. I know for me personally, I was rushing through each day, my life revolving around working, working out, eating and sleeping. I had all these milestones and goals I had to meet and I couldn't stop because as a woman (throw in being a black one at that),I felt I had to accomplish all these things because right now time ison my side. So many nights have been spent with thoughts rushing through my mind (I'm also an insomniac, surprising, eh?) about how I had to have "X, Y and Z" done by this specific time because if it didn't happen then it never would and I only have this allotment of time before I'll be viewed a certain way in society. (It hurts my brain even by reading the typed out words!) If it isn't how you physically change, it's how you are perceived in the workforce or even how people address you. I've lost countless hours that I won't be able to ever get back over something that is coming anyway. You will get old, be thankful because it's something that can't be avoided no matter what you do or how many black American Express cards you may own. You just have to come to terms with it and deal because it will never change. Don't let fear of your "expiration date" hold you back from enjoying your life fully.

Celebrate life and take a more active role in it. Our time on earth is limited but how you spend your time while here is limitless.

I think that may be my Friday Quote of The Day! I need to come up with a nifty title for it, though (and yes, I realized I used 'nifty').

Coming In Second To Yourself

I have to be truthfully honest. I have issues with being changed. I
resisted it for awhile because all of my life, I've had people who
wanted to change me, mold me into what they deemed as "perfect" (i.e.
the perfect, daughter, sister, niece, girlfriend, etc). The real me
(the person I was at the time) was never good enough, I came SECOND to the vision people had of me in their head.

Irealize now that I had no true sense of self and I was scared to figure itout because it was foreign to me. I wasn't raised around women that were strong in who they were and unapologetic about it. Nobody wanted to push the envelope, go against the grain
willingly. Instead they looked towards other people to fill that void.

I think people tend to live their life through other people, putting these unrealistic expectations on people who are too uncertain to act and live life on their own terms and convictions. Fear being the main culprit, why risk it all when you can go through life existing. Your life might not be bad necessarily but at the same token, it's not WHO you are either. My mother and I had a difficult relationship at times. I know she loved me and I'm thankful that I got to see her before they took her off the ventilator as she was dying from cancer. We cleared up so much and I'm happy for those moments because it gave me closure to a lot of what I was feeling. Since I can remember, I was always plagued with the idea that the person that I am would never be good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, funny, popular and nearly any other positive adjective that can be attributed to ones self.

So in order for me to gain others' love and acceptance (as I thought), I began to become who they wanted me to be and yes, it would work for awhile. Then gradually, I would become resentful and hurt and angry because what made me (the person I was inside), what made that person so bad? What did I do to them? Therein lies my problem, I put the issue on myself and absorbed it, I began to believe all the negatives about myself because these people who were far older, wiser and “settled” in their daily lives than me knew what they were talking about. So, who was I to question that? I relinquished part of my power over to them and lost a part of myself.

I quickly felt I didn't have control over my own life and how I was living. I resorted to destructive behavior (pills, drinking, smoking, eating) because that was the only way I could exercise control over myself in that situation. All the destruction was mine and even though, I was hurting myself in the long run I felt vindicated by doing it because I was getting back at every single person who made me feel lesser than. Anger caused me to lose myself in the hurt and frustration, which in turn gave them even more power over me.

And I'll be perfectly honest with you; I still struggle with those exact same feelings and frustrations. Even though, I have removed myself from most of the situations and came to peace with some (i.e. my mother), the ramifications of how I felt still resonate me so deeply. I am still not as strong in myself as I should be and when someone challenges how I see or do things, the pain that I feel hits me so hard because it sends me right back to that place. And my response is to run right back to my old vices, so I can feel in control again.

The only thing I realize now is that no one has power over me, if I don't let them. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” quoted Eleanor Roosevelt and now I understand fully what she meant.You choose to give someone power over you, you choose to let them keep it and you choose to reclaim it and make it yours again. You are your own unique being and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Be strong in who you are as a person, and own that because it is the one thing that will comfort and keep you strong in this life.

Creatively Dreamin'

“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
- Jack Kerouac

I promise not to start every blog off with a quote of some kind but I just finished immersing myself in the brief bibliographies of the writers of the Beat generation. Very interesting stuff, how a group of creative intellectuals were some of the most self-destructive individuals in their field. I guess in some ways passion and insanity does go hand in hand. But one thing is for sure, they were being true to themselves maybe not in the most productive, healthy way but they did leave their mark on this planet.

Now, I'm all about wanting to leave my mark on this interesting world of ours but I was wondering how to go about it in a calm way. If such a thing really exists being that everyone has a story to tell. Still, I'd like to think that when I leave this place and someone writes my wikipedia biography that it would detail all the work I've done how I've helped people, that I enjoyed my life and didn't destroy my life or others in the process. Maybe it's that people today enjoy reading the insane about people but I'd think most of these writers would have preferred to be remembered by the merit of their work not that they murdered, shot, drank or shot themselves up to the point of no return.

I find it amusing that people tend to want to exploit the negative more so the positive. No wonder people have complexes the way that they do.

This impossible ideal, this unspoken image that must be upheld at all costs but why does it? Whose standard are we trying to keep alive? Theirs or yours? I remember my parents wanted me to be a doctor, I even entertained it for a while but it's not where my heart was. Since my family tends to equate success with wealth anyway, it came as a shock to them. “What a wondrous profession it would be for their smart, upbeat black daughter!” they thought. Except, that's not what I wanted. I ended up going to school for graphic design and theatre but due to my families issues with the “starving artists” mentality; I dropped the theatre and focused on being a desktop artiste extraordinaire. I brought up my GPA, made Dean's List, joined an honors fraternity and I graduated in the fall of 2004 to the cheers of my family. I was the first grandchild to graduate from college (at least, on my fathers side). Yet, even with that behind me now, I knew that this road was still not for me. I didn't want to work for corporate America; I didn't want to sit behind a desk all day, staring at a computer as my eyes dilated. I watched how my parents were, having a “job”, counting down the years to retirement so they could finally do what they really wanted. I didn't want to start living at 50 or 60 but I shut my mouth and went with what they wanted because they were my parents and they knew what was best.

In the black community (I'm sure it happens elsewhere but I can only speak about my own), things focus around more of what you have more than where you are. If you drive the newest Benz out there and command a three-figure salary, it doesn't matter that you hate your job because you are PAID, just take a vacation! I know that my parents just wanted to make sure that I choose a field that I could be fully independent and take care of myself, they are old school and I appreciate that they always cared about my wellbeing but what about putting stock in my dreams? I can't help but be slightly envious of people that I know or read about that their parents who nurtured their dreams and said they could do anything that they put their mind too instead of molding them into what they believed success to be. I never received that, I heard “…creativity is a hobby and you won't ever make a viable living at that” or “…you are smart, why would you waste time on something so silly?”

So being the people pleaser that I am I forsake my love of the arts, put it on a shelf and did like I was told. Now here I am, four years later and I'm chomping at the bit to get back to what's been in my soul for so long. Your passions exist inside you for a reason, only you can be strong enough to live them. Dismissing them won't ever set you free.