Self Destruction, We're Heading For Self Destruction

I have what you call an self destructive personality. I’m also a risk taker, which coupled with having an addictive personality doesn’t always end up being the best thing.


Over the course of my 25 years, I have dabbled in a lot of stuff. Things that when I do tell, people are often shocked because, “I don’t look like that type of girl”.


Well, guess what? I am that girl and yes, we don’t all look like rebels from the dark side, we come in all shades and colors.


I remember in high school wearing that badge proudly the “Oh, I did this last night or, I don’t remember what I did but it was good and of course, the where am I?” I’ve said those lines one too many times and it's quite sad now that look back on it.


If it wasn’t stealing money from my mother’s money drawer to buy diet pills when I was 9, it was dealing with bulimia during high school or starting to smoke when I was in the 7th grade on the first day I played hooky. Yes, I remember all these things and the list still goes on.


The list I felt for sometime far outshined the good I used to do in my day to day life and in order to cope, the “bad things” that I used to do became my crutch. It was what I ran to when I was in conflict or crisis because I knew the outcome and I was controlling it.


I have lived my life like this for years. As soon as something was going great, I would “freak out” and rush back to something destructive or familiar because even if it caused me severe pain, at least I knew what the end result would be. There would be no hope, no longing just destructive pain.


No person could cause me the amount of damage that I have given myself, so why should I fear anything?


Truth be known, I was afraid of everything. I was scared of being the failure, the black daughter in a line of strong (sometimes, too strong); resilient women and I would never measure up. Or that I wouldn’t be as smart as my mother or as funny as my brother or, skinny or, or, or…
The thoughts ate out my insides day in and day out and the only thing would quiet them would be my vice for that time period. Whether it was abusing my body, being abused by someone, endangering my health by smoking, drugs or anything I could get my hands on. I was afraid to feel and I was afraid to think for myself and I wasted precious time that I will never get back doing it.


Some might find it strange and I am not trying to sound repetitive but part of me died when my mother passed away. The part that held onto a huge chunk of my self destructive ways, somehow it stopped wanting to tick, maybe because it was only then that I realized how life can quickly be so taken away. How precious life really is, how powerless we truly are in some aspects and how much MORE it harms us by not confronting the issue that is holding us back.

Losing my mother was painful but I’m thankful I didn’t fall so hard into my old ways. Sure, I stumbled but I remembered how proud my mother was of me and how she smiled down at me from her hospital bed and it felt like a part of me healed or at least, it didn't hurt nowhere near as bad as before.


So I did the unthinkable, I stopped letting self destruction rule my life. I began making conscious choices, and I owned them all, completely. Both the good and the bad, I was taking action with no type of vice and I was opening myself to all that entailed.


Whatever that was or whatever that may be. I'm living, breathing proof that it can be both scary and hard but worth it in the long run. That it won't happen overnight and you will stumble but you will be quick to brush yourself off and move on. It can and will be done, you just have to want to stop it. You just have to love your life more than your vice!


Lesson: Things may be hard and difficult and some days it’s quicker to hide from it all but if you can advance forward, even if it’s just a smidge. You would have done a heck of a lot more than that cigarette would do for you, or that feeling of binging or those new shoes. They may cure all momentarily but making conscious, proactive decisions not only protect your present but secure your future as well in this life!

Getting Outside Your Past

Growing up, I saw couples destroy each other in front of their children, in front of family or anyone who was willing to listen. The majority of the time was spent ripping each other to shreds so much that when there were moments of happiness, I would often wish for the dysfunctional times because it was what I was used too seeing.

Whether it was my parents, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, I was surrounded by people miserable in their marriage, their life and surroundings.

I decided that I would never be like that even if I have to end up alone or in strings of relationships that never went anywhere because I made sure that they wouldn’t.

During the course of my dating history, I have either ran from the idea of love or destroyed it enough so that it ended up running away from me. I tried to make myself unlovable because I wasn’t sure how to give or receive it. All I knew how to do was allow for people to break me down or become so cold and withdrawn that they ended up leaving me. I would shutdown and slowly self destruct because I didn’t know how to be happy and FUNCTION in a relationship. I wasn’t sure how to keep it stable or how to speak from my heart because I never had the opportunity to see it.

Love was an enigma and I was just coasting in it. I allowed others to dictate my wants and desires and allowed myself to get caught up in relationships that abused me in one way or another.

Losing my mother taught that me that I can’t go through life, alienating people because I was too scared to want them near. Meeting my boss and his wife proved to me that two people can form a loving, stable marriage that would stand the test of time.

All I had to do was believe that I was worth it. That I could have that and more if I put my past aside and opened myself up to life and all that it has to offer.

I’m still working on expressing love fully and having the actions match up with my words and sometimes the fear sneaks in and I want to push people far away because I hate showing pain.
So what do I do? I feel it, I allow myself to experience it all, the love, pain, sorrow, happiness; I open myself to it and become a better person because of it.

Allowing your baggage to control you won't ever get you anywhere. If you don't see your own worth, how can you expect anyone else too?

Don't allow your past to dictate your future.

Finding Comfort In Being

One of my longest setbacks had to do with my starting to write again. After my mother passed away, all creative sources in me welled up and died along with her. I did the same routine day in and day out (hating it all the while), but that’s all I could do because I felt so lost. In time, I became used to this, hating my life but to comfortable in it to stop it. I figured I would wake up one day and my life would be in alignment and things would be okay all I had to do was sit there and wait.

So, I did. I gained weight, became more angry and miserable in my day to day living. I decided that I need to take my life back but how? How do I reclaim something that has evaded me for so long, what if I couldn't, what if I was too old (I'm 25)? 

Yea, right. Excuses, excuses...I really should make that my middle name.

That's when I decided to take my life back and soon, I could feel my creativity energy soaring back. I could write again not at the valor that I used too but I’m working on it. Dancing felt seamless, my body connecting more to the movement and the music and less self conscious, everything seemed new and fresh again. I realized then how not having creativity in my life changed me, I was stunting my growth and slowly draining all the color from my life. When I forgave myself and allowed myself to be happy, I felt free and open to all my blocks and they finally began to crumble and I could breathe again.

Which is when I entered my catch 22. 

With the walls coming down, though came all the pent up emotions surrounding my mother’s death. Stuff that I didn’t even know existed; my mind was cluttered with thoughts of her, of guilt and anger. I felt them so strongly and at first it was disarming because I thought I handled so much of this. 

Yesterday, I was triggered at work. My bosses' wife is battling cancer and she is being taken off a brand of chemotherapy because she isn't responding the way they all hoped. She is also a second mother to me. So, she came downstairs to work on something and I asked her how she was doing and she turned to me and started to cry. "I'm just sick of tired of being sick and tired," she said.

She reminded me so much of my mother then. I could feel it all rushing back, that helpless feeling. Of wanting to help but knowing that I can't, not the way that I want too. So I end up crying because all these feelings well up inside me and I can't bottle them up, anymore.

Yet, initially, I wanted to stuff all those feelings back down and go back to what was comfortable and familiar but I knew better. Hiding from it won't help matters any.

I have to handle this now or else I’ll keep drowning from the inside out. I have to learn to sit in my pain long enough to handle it and not be ashamed of my vulnerability. That being vulnerable isn't a sign of weakness but the opposite. That, just being is really okay, being present in this feeling and not feeling that I have to hide it anymore.

That I can find comfort in being still.

In being myself, finally.

And that I feel strong enough to share it all with you.

Thank You.

Why Do We Procrastinate?

Yesterday, I touched upon my issues with procrastination. I feel that is one of my most undesirable character traits. Often times I blamed it on my special type of “OCD” or that there weren’t enough hours in the day and that there was always tomorrow! Of course, tomorrow would arrive and I would scramble around making another batch of excuses to combat why I was delaying what ever project I had on my calendar. It could have been something simple like washing my car, doing the laundry or exercising but I would still convince myself that it wasn’t something I had to do right this second and I could push it aside.

Lately, I have been struggling hard with this procrastination issue. But instead of making excuses, I’m handling it and doing my best to get to the bottom of the issue. The fact is, is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I stop procrastinating that the divide between me and supposed failure will be that much thinner and part of me wonders if I can handle it.

I’m afraid to fail, I’m worried that it might not be what I want and I’d have devoted all this time to something that didn’t get me anywhere. I don’t think I’m good enough to be what I really want, I’m even AFRAID to figure out what I really want to do.

So instead, I procrastinate…I push it away, out of my head for that hour, that day, month or year; but it always comes creeping on back in. I have tried out sleeping it, out drinking it, out – well, you get the idea; I have pretty much tried everything humanly possible to stop these thoughts that plague my brain.

I have even used my lesser procrastinations (i.e. washing my car, laundry, etc.) as tools to blow off the bigger things that I know I should handle. Which worked just fine for me, until this year, I can’t explain it really. Something went off inside me and I knew I couldn’t just coast on through my life having private trepidations hold me back repeatedly. Not when I have so much I want to do, not after losing my mother in a span of one month and being powerless about it. I can feel my potential but I was too scared shitless to utilize it.

I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to be a supporting character in my own life and if I wanted to accomplish anything, I couldn’t wait for it to happen. I had to get off my comfy arse and get too it!

I started reading self help books, travel books, writing books. I renewed my passport; started running took up dance again. I got out there, I got involved in my life and I’m still adding new things to do. It’s not about being great at everything now because I know that I can’t be but I’m never going to know where my strengths are until I get out there and try.

So what’s in store for me?
1. Writing, this blog and my book
2. Losing the last stubborn bit of this weight
3. Travel off the East coast by myself
4. Video blog
5. Apply to graduate programs both here and in London

What gets in your way? Have you been able to conquer it? If you are a former procrastinator, I would love to hear your insight!

Car + Gas = Movement.

I've been known to procrastinate a time or two or three...

So Sunday, I was out early trying to get an oil change for my car because it’s way past due. I looked down at my gas gauge and I noticed that it said 25 miles before my tank is empty. I thought to myself, “I don’t need to stop, I have enough gas to get to Wal-Mart”, granted I didn’t even know where this Wal-Mart was exactly but I had a good feeling I’d make it there in time. A gas station came up to a gas station on my left, I kept going. Came to a light there sat a gas station on my right and I still kept going.

So, I guess you can figure out what happened. My car gave a little shudder, so I swerved all the way over to the turning lane. I stopped at the red light and waited for my turn to go, I could even see the station bright as day right across the street, and then I felt it. Another sputter followed by a shake, instinctively I pushed on the gas to move forward. I moved forward a smidge than stillness, no sound, no nothing but stillness. My car decided to putter right out of gas, in the left hand turning lane of one of the busiest intersections on Cobb Parkway. Cars were lining up behind me; I could hear the honking echo behind as I sat looking forward at the light changing from green blending into yellow sliding right into red.

Well, since my car wasn’t going anywhere and the lights were going to keep changing, I did what every sensible, urban chick would do, I turned on my hazard lights opened up my car door and prepared to run to the gas station. Well, that all changed as soon as I opened up the door and a strong gust of wind came blowing in causing my dress to fly up. Sexy, yes I know but thankfully someone stopped to help after seeing my plight of trying to run while holding my dress in place. I would like to think that they stopped because I was a young woman walking alone not due to the unintentional flashing of my pink trousers.

Suffice it to say, I got my gas and a kind, older gentlemen made sure I got my car back up and running and to the nearest gas station.

And you know what; I owned my accountability for what happened. I couldn’t be angry, I couldn’t play the victim this was my fault. I knew how much gas I had in my car but I took the risk anyway. I passed two other gas stations that were within easy access and I passed them because I swore I could make it to Wal-Mart. I wanted to wait until the last possible second to fill up because (like grocery shopping), I hate stopping for gas. So, I waited because I knew I had this beat so when my car stopped at a busy intersection on Sunday, I didn’t even bother swearing or trying to rationalize it in my head. I messed up; I knew it all the people behind me knew it and I had to deal with the consequences. I wanted to do things when I wanted too, of course my car had different plans but now I realize that when opportunity presents itself on MULTIPLE occasions, maybe I should get outside of my pride/ego and think with some common sense. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today? (I think I’m taking this cliché thing too far but its true). I had ample opportunity to put gas in my car but I chose to ignore because I felt I needed to get somewhere.

If you think about it, that’s how some people coast through life only stopping when they are forced too not by making the conscious choice to do it themselves. There are plenty of things that you can be doing today that you might not be thrilled about possibly but it shouldn’t deter you, if anything It’ll make your arrival your destination that much smoother in the end.
Granted, I could always fall back on CPT and say it’s in my blood to wait until the last minute. CPT stands for Colored People Time by the way. I realize I can’t stand and hold true to that claim, though. It would be considered generalizing and I’m trying my best not to do that.

Are there things that you are delaying in your own life because you feel like you’ll get to them when you want too? Just remember, when opportunity presents itself don’t always let it pass you by or else you may end up like me, stranded in the middle of the interstate trying to figure out how to quickly fix a situation that could have been avoided, if procrastination wasn’t an issue.

Good Times.

Expiration Dates Is For Food Only!

Today, at one of the local radio stations, they were interviewing Buster Martin a 101-year-old employee of a plumbing mill in England.What is so special about Buster you may ask (well, the fact that he's 101 and still working is a HUGE feat to me but I digress), what is so special about him is that at the age of 101 he is going to attempt to run a full marathon.

Now, I at 25 wouldn't dare to attempt it due to frustration and fear of entering but not finishing but hearing Mr. Martin tell the story of his life, you can't help but caught up in his infectious energy. Life seems to be to an ongoing journey and you can't stop because you are too old, not as smart (so you think) or not as attractive. Life doesn't go on hold because as a society we have "shelf life" and feel that after a certain number of years we are no longer a commodity but a hindrance.

Discovering a story such of this reminds us that life is truly what you make of it. I know for me personally, I was rushing through each day, my life revolving around working, working out, eating and sleeping. I had all these milestones and goals I had to meet and I couldn't stop because as a woman (throw in being a black one at that),I felt I had to accomplish all these things because right now time ison my side. So many nights have been spent with thoughts rushing through my mind (I'm also an insomniac, surprising, eh?) about how I had to have "X, Y and Z" done by this specific time because if it didn't happen then it never would and I only have this allotment of time before I'll be viewed a certain way in society. (It hurts my brain even by reading the typed out words!) If it isn't how you physically change, it's how you are perceived in the workforce or even how people address you. I've lost countless hours that I won't be able to ever get back over something that is coming anyway. You will get old, be thankful because it's something that can't be avoided no matter what you do or how many black American Express cards you may own. You just have to come to terms with it and deal because it will never change. Don't let fear of your "expiration date" hold you back from enjoying your life fully.

Celebrate life and take a more active role in it. Our time on earth is limited but how you spend your time while here is limitless.

I think that may be my Friday Quote of The Day! I need to come up with a nifty title for it, though (and yes, I realized I used 'nifty').

Coming Clean

Owning Up to Your BS

I credit myself on not being the average gal when it comes to a lot of my decisions in life (both the good and the bad) but after recently coming to terms with a lot of the “loose threads” in my life, I realized I really need to OWN my stuff.

Most of my life I have always lived the way that others wanted me too. When I was younger, I had to act a certain way (whether it was at school or church). I was treated a certain way or told that I was not like most black people (whatever that means) and I was ostracized from my black peers because I seemed to “uppity”. Most of my friends were white but even amongst all of them, I stuck out. Not only due to my race but due to my size as well. You remember hearing how all the beautiful people had that one “ugly” friend, well not only was I on the plumper side; I also came with a permanent tan as well, SCORE!

So to say, I had issues would not be an understatement. But life isn’t always easy and I have the survivor mentality engraved in my genes, so I overcame all of that. I made black friends, I lost a good bit of the weight and I thought I was fine. That I was handling things, that I knew who I was finally and that I was happy.

Unfortunately, I was wrong on all counts (luckily, this isn’t baseball). Losing my mother at 23 to cancer (she was 43), changed me incredibly. I worked more, buried myself in a relationship and tried to just survive the pain I was feeling and get up in the morning. It worked wonders for 3 years and now here I am before you at 25.

I own a condo, a car, I even work at a job that I like but it doesn’t feel like I’m living my life. It feels like I’m the supporting actor and on some days an extra in my own life’s story and you know, it’s tiring. Letting fear and complacency dictate my outcome isn’t a way for me to live. I never wanted to live that way but it’s seems during the past 3 years I built this concrete cocoon around myself and all I can do now is sit and stare.

And I let that be my excuse. That people needed me to be a certain way. I had to be strong for my brother and father, I had to hold down a job that I HATED because I graduated from college and that’s what people do. I love to a degree but never let myself be vulnerable or say that I need someone to be there because I could do it all alone. I helped others through their pain, their squashed hopes and dreams and pushed all mine to the side because I was the “stronger” of the two. Pushed the anger and resentment down so much that it had nowhere to go but still I pressed on.

This past Thursday, I was told I have severe high blood pressure. I was put on medication. I realized how I was living my life prior was destructive to myself; emotionally, physically and spiritually and even though I hesitate, my health IS telling me that I have to make changes.
I HAVE TO OWN MY BULLSH*T. Plain and simple. I can’t delay it, I have to do it now and I have to do it for me because I want to leave this life having lived every day of it to the best of my ability not regretting things that I could have done if only I had MORE time.

So it begins here with me.

Accountability

Today, I realized that you have to always move forward, always keep fighting for what you love because you only live once this lifetime. This journal will be the entrance into my inner most thoughts. My dreams, passions and desires will be spilled out for all to see in the hopes that someone out there, someone who is like me, will take that first step. The first one is always the scariest, standing on that ledge leaving behind what you know and moving forward towards something unfamiliar but it's soothing at the same time. If by reading this, you emerge with the courage to take that step that will be all that I need. Along, the way, you'll encounter some swearing, frustration, temporary setbacks but I want people to see my journey because I believe people want to sugar coat things and not OWN their issues and baggage. I am 25 years old; I believe it's time to be fully aware of all my actions the good, bad, ugly and shameless. So this is my being accountable to all of you (or just the one viewer, so "heeeey" to you.) but here, I will be honest always. The things you want in life involve huge risk and nothing will ever be handed to you, ever.

I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared but having being complacent as my only other option, I have no other choice. I'm the product of a dysfunctional nuclear core (who isn't, these days), dishonesty, verbal and mental abuse ran rampant in our households. Growing up, I never had strong, confident female figures and that has shaped the woman that I am today. Was my mother horrible? No, she was an excellent parent but she was easily hurt, which turned her into someone very cold and spiteful. She could hold a grudge something fierce. Still, even with all of that she was the smartest woman I have come across but I see that she was a product of her environment, just like I am one of mine. And this is not about blaming or pointing fingers, deflecting attention away from the real issue which is I. In order to move forward, you have to make peace with your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it.

I'm tired of repeating, of making excuses just to feel better. At least now, when I fall I will do it honestly.