Self Destruction, We're Heading For Self Destruction

I have what you call an self destructive personality. I’m also a risk taker, which coupled with having an addictive personality doesn’t always end up being the best thing.


Over the course of my 25 years, I have dabbled in a lot of stuff. Things that when I do tell, people are often shocked because, “I don’t look like that type of girl”.


Well, guess what? I am that girl and yes, we don’t all look like rebels from the dark side, we come in all shades and colors.


I remember in high school wearing that badge proudly the “Oh, I did this last night or, I don’t remember what I did but it was good and of course, the where am I?” I’ve said those lines one too many times and it's quite sad now that look back on it.


If it wasn’t stealing money from my mother’s money drawer to buy diet pills when I was 9, it was dealing with bulimia during high school or starting to smoke when I was in the 7th grade on the first day I played hooky. Yes, I remember all these things and the list still goes on.


The list I felt for sometime far outshined the good I used to do in my day to day life and in order to cope, the “bad things” that I used to do became my crutch. It was what I ran to when I was in conflict or crisis because I knew the outcome and I was controlling it.


I have lived my life like this for years. As soon as something was going great, I would “freak out” and rush back to something destructive or familiar because even if it caused me severe pain, at least I knew what the end result would be. There would be no hope, no longing just destructive pain.


No person could cause me the amount of damage that I have given myself, so why should I fear anything?


Truth be known, I was afraid of everything. I was scared of being the failure, the black daughter in a line of strong (sometimes, too strong); resilient women and I would never measure up. Or that I wouldn’t be as smart as my mother or as funny as my brother or, skinny or, or, or…
The thoughts ate out my insides day in and day out and the only thing would quiet them would be my vice for that time period. Whether it was abusing my body, being abused by someone, endangering my health by smoking, drugs or anything I could get my hands on. I was afraid to feel and I was afraid to think for myself and I wasted precious time that I will never get back doing it.


Some might find it strange and I am not trying to sound repetitive but part of me died when my mother passed away. The part that held onto a huge chunk of my self destructive ways, somehow it stopped wanting to tick, maybe because it was only then that I realized how life can quickly be so taken away. How precious life really is, how powerless we truly are in some aspects and how much MORE it harms us by not confronting the issue that is holding us back.

Losing my mother was painful but I’m thankful I didn’t fall so hard into my old ways. Sure, I stumbled but I remembered how proud my mother was of me and how she smiled down at me from her hospital bed and it felt like a part of me healed or at least, it didn't hurt nowhere near as bad as before.


So I did the unthinkable, I stopped letting self destruction rule my life. I began making conscious choices, and I owned them all, completely. Both the good and the bad, I was taking action with no type of vice and I was opening myself to all that entailed.


Whatever that was or whatever that may be. I'm living, breathing proof that it can be both scary and hard but worth it in the long run. That it won't happen overnight and you will stumble but you will be quick to brush yourself off and move on. It can and will be done, you just have to want to stop it. You just have to love your life more than your vice!


Lesson: Things may be hard and difficult and some days it’s quicker to hide from it all but if you can advance forward, even if it’s just a smidge. You would have done a heck of a lot more than that cigarette would do for you, or that feeling of binging or those new shoes. They may cure all momentarily but making conscious, proactive decisions not only protect your present but secure your future as well in this life!

Why Do We Procrastinate?

Yesterday, I touched upon my issues with procrastination. I feel that is one of my most undesirable character traits. Often times I blamed it on my special type of “OCD” or that there weren’t enough hours in the day and that there was always tomorrow! Of course, tomorrow would arrive and I would scramble around making another batch of excuses to combat why I was delaying what ever project I had on my calendar. It could have been something simple like washing my car, doing the laundry or exercising but I would still convince myself that it wasn’t something I had to do right this second and I could push it aside.

Lately, I have been struggling hard with this procrastination issue. But instead of making excuses, I’m handling it and doing my best to get to the bottom of the issue. The fact is, is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I stop procrastinating that the divide between me and supposed failure will be that much thinner and part of me wonders if I can handle it.

I’m afraid to fail, I’m worried that it might not be what I want and I’d have devoted all this time to something that didn’t get me anywhere. I don’t think I’m good enough to be what I really want, I’m even AFRAID to figure out what I really want to do.

So instead, I procrastinate…I push it away, out of my head for that hour, that day, month or year; but it always comes creeping on back in. I have tried out sleeping it, out drinking it, out – well, you get the idea; I have pretty much tried everything humanly possible to stop these thoughts that plague my brain.

I have even used my lesser procrastinations (i.e. washing my car, laundry, etc.) as tools to blow off the bigger things that I know I should handle. Which worked just fine for me, until this year, I can’t explain it really. Something went off inside me and I knew I couldn’t just coast on through my life having private trepidations hold me back repeatedly. Not when I have so much I want to do, not after losing my mother in a span of one month and being powerless about it. I can feel my potential but I was too scared shitless to utilize it.

I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to be a supporting character in my own life and if I wanted to accomplish anything, I couldn’t wait for it to happen. I had to get off my comfy arse and get too it!

I started reading self help books, travel books, writing books. I renewed my passport; started running took up dance again. I got out there, I got involved in my life and I’m still adding new things to do. It’s not about being great at everything now because I know that I can’t be but I’m never going to know where my strengths are until I get out there and try.

So what’s in store for me?
1. Writing, this blog and my book
2. Losing the last stubborn bit of this weight
3. Travel off the East coast by myself
4. Video blog
5. Apply to graduate programs both here and in London

What gets in your way? Have you been able to conquer it? If you are a former procrastinator, I would love to hear your insight!

Nothing like therapy to keep it real.

(FYI - I do go to therapy and I'm a huge advocate of it. Many folks in the black community aren't fond of it but I'm here to hopefully bring new light and shed the fear of it that many may have.)

In my Sunday therapy session, my therapist touched on a very important point. It was on how humans tend to generalize situations and people in ways that we aren’t aware of. At first, I was adamant that I, as open minded as I am couldn’t be capable of generalizing. No, not me at all! I accepted everyone for who they were whether I agreed with it or not. So my therapist was seriously mistaken on that idea. Until he stumbled onto this little tidbit halfway into the session.

Dr. G: So, do you think that your brother is incapable of listening to you?

Me: Yes, but I think that’s a male trait. You try to talk to them and then they shut you out. That’s what they always do. It’s just how they are.

Dr. G: So are all men like that? Am I like that? What are you implying exactly?

Me: ….. (that’s my being silent)

OKAY. I generalize. I open my mind to people of all walks of life but as soon as one of my mental triggers gets hit, it’s over. My walls go up, I start labeling the person and the situation and have the end result wrapped up in my head before I even issue a reply.


It’s done. It’s finished. I have it handled and I know what I have to do because they (in this case, men) are all the same.


I know I was in the wrong but my first instinct still was to start blaming, “Well, doesn’t everybody do that? I know I’m not the only one.” Then I remembered, I’m not in therapy to work on other peoples issues (because my money definitely doesn’t grow on trees), I’m here to work on my own SO I need to OWN MY STUFF and deal. It’s still so easy, so very easy to blame others though. *sigh*


Of course I know logically they [men] aren’t all the same but generalizing helps me feel vindicated in my feelings and I’m always right in what I feel? RIGHT?!



Shit. I have another thing to focus and be aware of.


I’m not being hard on myself at all. I realize that being honest and accountable is going to take time because I’m not used to it, so I’m not going to complain (at least, not today).

Goal for this week:

Check my generalizing. Just because I may not like or understand something doesn’t mean I should compare it to someone or something similar in my memory.

Trying to be fully mentally aware is quite draining. How do you feel about generalizing, does it get in your way of life or something you are blissfully (and plan to remain) unaware of? Please, feel free to share!

Oh, and another thing. To all who have stumbled upon my little blog. No matter how long you stay, I appreciate it since I have no idea how I'm being found.

Accountability

Today, I realized that you have to always move forward, always keep fighting for what you love because you only live once this lifetime. This journal will be the entrance into my inner most thoughts. My dreams, passions and desires will be spilled out for all to see in the hopes that someone out there, someone who is like me, will take that first step. The first one is always the scariest, standing on that ledge leaving behind what you know and moving forward towards something unfamiliar but it's soothing at the same time. If by reading this, you emerge with the courage to take that step that will be all that I need. Along, the way, you'll encounter some swearing, frustration, temporary setbacks but I want people to see my journey because I believe people want to sugar coat things and not OWN their issues and baggage. I am 25 years old; I believe it's time to be fully aware of all my actions the good, bad, ugly and shameless. So this is my being accountable to all of you (or just the one viewer, so "heeeey" to you.) but here, I will be honest always. The things you want in life involve huge risk and nothing will ever be handed to you, ever.

I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared but having being complacent as my only other option, I have no other choice. I'm the product of a dysfunctional nuclear core (who isn't, these days), dishonesty, verbal and mental abuse ran rampant in our households. Growing up, I never had strong, confident female figures and that has shaped the woman that I am today. Was my mother horrible? No, she was an excellent parent but she was easily hurt, which turned her into someone very cold and spiteful. She could hold a grudge something fierce. Still, even with all of that she was the smartest woman I have come across but I see that she was a product of her environment, just like I am one of mine. And this is not about blaming or pointing fingers, deflecting attention away from the real issue which is I. In order to move forward, you have to make peace with your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it.

I'm tired of repeating, of making excuses just to feel better. At least now, when I fall I will do it honestly.