Why Do We Procrastinate?

Yesterday, I touched upon my issues with procrastination. I feel that is one of my most undesirable character traits. Often times I blamed it on my special type of “OCD” or that there weren’t enough hours in the day and that there was always tomorrow! Of course, tomorrow would arrive and I would scramble around making another batch of excuses to combat why I was delaying what ever project I had on my calendar. It could have been something simple like washing my car, doing the laundry or exercising but I would still convince myself that it wasn’t something I had to do right this second and I could push it aside.

Lately, I have been struggling hard with this procrastination issue. But instead of making excuses, I’m handling it and doing my best to get to the bottom of the issue. The fact is, is that I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I stop procrastinating that the divide between me and supposed failure will be that much thinner and part of me wonders if I can handle it.

I’m afraid to fail, I’m worried that it might not be what I want and I’d have devoted all this time to something that didn’t get me anywhere. I don’t think I’m good enough to be what I really want, I’m even AFRAID to figure out what I really want to do.

So instead, I procrastinate…I push it away, out of my head for that hour, that day, month or year; but it always comes creeping on back in. I have tried out sleeping it, out drinking it, out – well, you get the idea; I have pretty much tried everything humanly possible to stop these thoughts that plague my brain.

I have even used my lesser procrastinations (i.e. washing my car, laundry, etc.) as tools to blow off the bigger things that I know I should handle. Which worked just fine for me, until this year, I can’t explain it really. Something went off inside me and I knew I couldn’t just coast on through my life having private trepidations hold me back repeatedly. Not when I have so much I want to do, not after losing my mother in a span of one month and being powerless about it. I can feel my potential but I was too scared shitless to utilize it.

I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to be a supporting character in my own life and if I wanted to accomplish anything, I couldn’t wait for it to happen. I had to get off my comfy arse and get too it!

I started reading self help books, travel books, writing books. I renewed my passport; started running took up dance again. I got out there, I got involved in my life and I’m still adding new things to do. It’s not about being great at everything now because I know that I can’t be but I’m never going to know where my strengths are until I get out there and try.

So what’s in store for me?
1. Writing, this blog and my book
2. Losing the last stubborn bit of this weight
3. Travel off the East coast by myself
4. Video blog
5. Apply to graduate programs both here and in London

What gets in your way? Have you been able to conquer it? If you are a former procrastinator, I would love to hear your insight!

Nothing like therapy to keep it real.

(FYI - I do go to therapy and I'm a huge advocate of it. Many folks in the black community aren't fond of it but I'm here to hopefully bring new light and shed the fear of it that many may have.)

In my Sunday therapy session, my therapist touched on a very important point. It was on how humans tend to generalize situations and people in ways that we aren’t aware of. At first, I was adamant that I, as open minded as I am couldn’t be capable of generalizing. No, not me at all! I accepted everyone for who they were whether I agreed with it or not. So my therapist was seriously mistaken on that idea. Until he stumbled onto this little tidbit halfway into the session.

Dr. G: So, do you think that your brother is incapable of listening to you?

Me: Yes, but I think that’s a male trait. You try to talk to them and then they shut you out. That’s what they always do. It’s just how they are.

Dr. G: So are all men like that? Am I like that? What are you implying exactly?

Me: ….. (that’s my being silent)

OKAY. I generalize. I open my mind to people of all walks of life but as soon as one of my mental triggers gets hit, it’s over. My walls go up, I start labeling the person and the situation and have the end result wrapped up in my head before I even issue a reply.


It’s done. It’s finished. I have it handled and I know what I have to do because they (in this case, men) are all the same.


I know I was in the wrong but my first instinct still was to start blaming, “Well, doesn’t everybody do that? I know I’m not the only one.” Then I remembered, I’m not in therapy to work on other peoples issues (because my money definitely doesn’t grow on trees), I’m here to work on my own SO I need to OWN MY STUFF and deal. It’s still so easy, so very easy to blame others though. *sigh*


Of course I know logically they [men] aren’t all the same but generalizing helps me feel vindicated in my feelings and I’m always right in what I feel? RIGHT?!



Shit. I have another thing to focus and be aware of.


I’m not being hard on myself at all. I realize that being honest and accountable is going to take time because I’m not used to it, so I’m not going to complain (at least, not today).

Goal for this week:

Check my generalizing. Just because I may not like or understand something doesn’t mean I should compare it to someone or something similar in my memory.

Trying to be fully mentally aware is quite draining. How do you feel about generalizing, does it get in your way of life or something you are blissfully (and plan to remain) unaware of? Please, feel free to share!

Oh, and another thing. To all who have stumbled upon my little blog. No matter how long you stay, I appreciate it since I have no idea how I'm being found.

Coming In Second To Yourself

I have to be truthfully honest. I have issues with being changed. I
resisted it for awhile because all of my life, I've had people who
wanted to change me, mold me into what they deemed as "perfect" (i.e.
the perfect, daughter, sister, niece, girlfriend, etc). The real me
(the person I was at the time) was never good enough, I came SECOND to the vision people had of me in their head.

Irealize now that I had no true sense of self and I was scared to figure itout because it was foreign to me. I wasn't raised around women that were strong in who they were and unapologetic about it. Nobody wanted to push the envelope, go against the grain
willingly. Instead they looked towards other people to fill that void.

I think people tend to live their life through other people, putting these unrealistic expectations on people who are too uncertain to act and live life on their own terms and convictions. Fear being the main culprit, why risk it all when you can go through life existing. Your life might not be bad necessarily but at the same token, it's not WHO you are either. My mother and I had a difficult relationship at times. I know she loved me and I'm thankful that I got to see her before they took her off the ventilator as she was dying from cancer. We cleared up so much and I'm happy for those moments because it gave me closure to a lot of what I was feeling. Since I can remember, I was always plagued with the idea that the person that I am would never be good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, funny, popular and nearly any other positive adjective that can be attributed to ones self.

So in order for me to gain others' love and acceptance (as I thought), I began to become who they wanted me to be and yes, it would work for awhile. Then gradually, I would become resentful and hurt and angry because what made me (the person I was inside), what made that person so bad? What did I do to them? Therein lies my problem, I put the issue on myself and absorbed it, I began to believe all the negatives about myself because these people who were far older, wiser and “settled” in their daily lives than me knew what they were talking about. So, who was I to question that? I relinquished part of my power over to them and lost a part of myself.

I quickly felt I didn't have control over my own life and how I was living. I resorted to destructive behavior (pills, drinking, smoking, eating) because that was the only way I could exercise control over myself in that situation. All the destruction was mine and even though, I was hurting myself in the long run I felt vindicated by doing it because I was getting back at every single person who made me feel lesser than. Anger caused me to lose myself in the hurt and frustration, which in turn gave them even more power over me.

And I'll be perfectly honest with you; I still struggle with those exact same feelings and frustrations. Even though, I have removed myself from most of the situations and came to peace with some (i.e. my mother), the ramifications of how I felt still resonate me so deeply. I am still not as strong in myself as I should be and when someone challenges how I see or do things, the pain that I feel hits me so hard because it sends me right back to that place. And my response is to run right back to my old vices, so I can feel in control again.

The only thing I realize now is that no one has power over me, if I don't let them. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” quoted Eleanor Roosevelt and now I understand fully what she meant.You choose to give someone power over you, you choose to let them keep it and you choose to reclaim it and make it yours again. You are your own unique being and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Be strong in who you are as a person, and own that because it is the one thing that will comfort and keep you strong in this life.